Have you ever considered that the most important conversation you’ll ever have is the one you have with yourself? Self-talk has been my unwavering companion throughout my life. It’s as if I’ve always had a reliable friend within me—someone who listens without judgment and offers a safe space for my deepest thoughts, ideas, and emotions. While I’m close to my friends and family, there are always aspects of myself I prefer to keep private. Yet with my inner self, I can be completely open, revealing every facet of who I am. This internal dialogue has provided me with comfort, guidance, and support, whether I’m celebrating life’s highs or navigating its lows.
However, like any relationship, my self-talk hasn’t always been positive. There were two significant periods in my life when my relationship with myself was fraught with negativity. In this blog, I’ll share my journey from self-doubt to self-belief, the transformation of my inner voice, and the lessons I’ve learned about the importance of positive self-talk and seeking professional help.
From Self-Doubt to Self-Belief: Rebuilding Trust
My First Experience with Negative Self-Talk
The first occurred right after completing my Master’s degree. I made numerous promises to myself—big and small—but procrastinated on almost all of them. I promised to go to the gym three times a week, but after signing up and paying the monthly fee, I didn’t go for an entire year. I vowed to explore starting an e-commerce business but never took the first step. I even committed to finishing my Master’s thesis, only to waste a year doing everything but that. My plan to send out 10–20 job applications each week for my dream job? It never happened.
During this time, my inner voice was nothing but negative, harsh, and mocking. It would say things like, “You’re not going to do it anyway, so why bother making these empty promises?” or “Why feel bad? You’re not reliable, so don’t take yourself seriously.” This constant internal conflict drained me, and I eventually reached a breaking point where I knew something had to change.
My Strategy for Rebuilding Trust
To rebuild the trust I had lost in myself, I adopted a straightforward yet effective strategy: make only realistic commitments and follow through on them, no matter what. I became more selective and careful with the promises I made to myself, just as I am with promises to others. I’d rather under-promise and over-deliver than overpromise and deliver very little, which often leads to disappointment.
I applied this approach to my everyday commitments and continue to do so. Whether it was a promise to walk for 30 minutes after work, go to bed by 10 p.m., eat healthily, start a business, or make a million dollars, I made sure to follow through. Gradually, this consistency helped me rebuild the trust I had lost with myself. As I continued to honor my commitments, the critical inner voice began to fade, replaced by supportive and encouraging affirmations: “You can do this! I believe in you.” “You’re capable and smart—there’s no reason to doubt yourself.” These positive reinforcements now guide me through tough times and challenges.
Transforming My Inner Dialogue: From Criticism to Guidance
Amazingly, as I began to rebuild trust in myself, my inner relationship transformed in ways I never imagined. The once critical and harsh voice that used to berate me for my mistakes, no matter how significant, evolved into a guiding force. Now, it helps me reflect on my errors, learn from them, and find ways to avoid repeating them in the future. In my darkest moments—when I felt lost, hopeless, or consumed by self-doubt—this inner voice became my greatest ally, offering unwavering support. It convinced me that I am not only capable but also smart and resilient enough to achieve whatever I set my mind to. This inner assurance and happiness have become some of the most valuable feelings in my life. Knowing that no matter what happens, no matter how long, far, or challenging life may be, there is always someone within me who is endlessly supportive, believing in me without fail. I wouldn’t trade this for anything in the world.
Here are three common forms my inner dialogue takes these days:
When I need a boost, my inner voice is there to uplift me:
- “You’ve got this! I believe in you.”
- “Go ahead and take that risk! You’ve thought it through, and even if it doesn’t go as planned, we’ll handle it together. It’s a learning experience, not a failure.”
- “It’s okay to cry if you need to. There’s no shame in feeling heartbroken or defeated. I’m here with you, and we’ll get through this.”
In times of uncertainty, it offers gentle guidance:
- “Take a moment to double-check XYZ. There’s no rush—give it a few days. You’ll make a better decision with a clear, calm mind.”
- “Let’s step back and view this from a different perspective. Right now, you’re seeing it one-sided, which could be risky. Remember the last time we made a hasty mistake? Let’s avoid that by reevaluating.”
When I need to hold myself accountable, it keeps me focused:
- “You promised to give more to those who care about and love you, but yesterday didn’t reflect that. Use this feeling as a reminder—we can do better.”
- “You committed to spending 30 minutes a day on XYZ, but it’s been over a week with only one attempt. If this really matters to you, let’s prioritize it. If not, let’s be honest and adjust our focus. A promise is meaningful, so let’s treat it with care.”
My Second Experience with Negative Self-Talk
The second instance occurred in my early thirties, during a time when I was dating someone—let’s call him Tim. Throughout the five months we were together, I sensed something was off but couldn’t quite pinpoint what it was. Despite my doubts, Tim convinced me to give our relationship more time, assuring me that we were still getting to know each other.
Tim was a decent person who treated me well, yet our relationship somehow brought out the worst in me. I became impulsive, explosive, and frequently threatened to break up with him. I didn’t recognize myself—I was acting in ways that were completely out of character. We were trapped in a rollercoaster situationship, swinging from moments of bliss to storms of conflict. Desperate for answers, I delved into countless books on love and relationships, but nothing I read seemed to resonate with my experience. I was stuck in a cycle of confusion, oscillating between misery and fleeting happiness without understanding why.
Each night, my inner self tried to communicate with me, but I refused to listen because I didn’t want to face the truth. I blocked out any internal dialogue related to Tim and our relationship.
Five months in, my best friend came across Tim at a music festival for the first time. She was shocked by how different I was around him. She noticed that I tolerated behaviors I would have never accepted before. I’ve always been strong and unwavering in my principles, yet I found myself bending over backward to make Tim like me.
Hearing my best friend’s honest observation was a wake-up call. Suddenly, everything clicked. I recalled that during our second date, Tim mentioned that he hadn’t been able to fall in love again after his first girlfriend, despite trying for six years. He hoped I could help him find love again because he found me amazing. In hindsight, I should have walked away then, but instead, I took it as a challenge, unconsciously making it my mission to make him fall in love with me.
From that point on, I forced myself to tolerate behaviors I normally wouldn’t, all to prove how carefree, drama-free, and cool I was. But this approach backfired spectacularly. Instead of being cool, I became trapped in a life that wasn’t mine, utterly miserable without understanding why. I was miserable to my core.
Moving on from Tim was easy, but forgiving myself was a real struggle. For many months, I shut down my inner dialogue, not wanting to confront the painful truth. Deep down, I knew my inner self had been trying to warn me, but I had refused to listen.
I felt ashamed for abandoning my core values and principles, bending myself to fit someone else’s expectations. My heart ached, and my ego was shattered. For the next six months, my self-talk was filled with regret and anger. I kept asking myself how and why I could have acted so out of character. Where was my pride? Where were my principles? For the first time in my life, I felt deeply inadequate, and it was devastating. It drained the joy from my life.
During that time, I did everything in my power to mend my relationship with myself. After six long months, my positive self-talk around love and dating finally began to resurface. It’s worth noting that my self-talk in other areas of life never wavered—it remained a strong and supportive force throughout. Although I appeared to be healed, the wounds from that experience left me with a deep-seated fear. I became emotionally guarded, hesitant to fully open my heart, always waiting for others to prove their love before I allowed myself to reciprocate. This cycle of fear and self-protection lingered for years, with me unknowingly projecting my unresolved issues onto others, blaming them for the emotional distance I felt.
My Strategy for Rebuilding Trust:
It wasn’t until I sought the help of hypnotherapy and meditation that I was able to fully address these deep-rooted fears. Hypnotherapy helped me uncover and acknowledge my emotional repression, while meditation offered the healing I needed, guiding me to go deep within myself. You can read more about that journey here.
Unfortunately, not all negative self-talk can be mended on our own. Sometimes, it requires intensive, professional help through therapy, and there’s absolutely no shame in that. According to recent statistics in the United States and Europe, 1 in 5 people experience some form of mental illness. While it’s unfortunate, it’s also a reminder that you’re never alone in this journey.
Life has a way of surprising us, often when we least expect it. Just as I had healed from my emotional wounds, burdens, and traumas, my boyfriend entered my life. His generous and selfless love has given me the courage to open my heart once more, to love deeply and fearlessly, as if I had never been hurt before.
The Power of Positive Self-Talk
Dr. Kristin Neff, a renowned psychologist, defines self-compassion as “treating yourself with the same kindness and care that you would offer a good friend.” This insight was transformative for me, turning my inner dialogue from a harsh critic into a supportive coach. Embracing positive self-talk doesn’t just shift your mindset—it can revolutionize your relationships, career, and overall well-being.
If you’re grappling with negative self-talk, start by avoiding overpromising or setting commitments that you may struggle to keep. Begin with small, manageable goals and build trust with yourself through consistent follow-through. This approach can gradually shift your inner dialogue to one that is more encouraging and supportive.
Moreover, if you’ve been struggling with negative self-talk for a long time and haven’t found success with self-help strategies, consider seeking professional support. Therapy can offer tailored guidance and strategies, and integrating practices like meditation can further enrich your healing journey.
***This chapter is part of an eight-chapter series titled “How to Overcome Difficult Times in Life: Tips, Strategies, and Personal Advice.”
Don’t miss any part of the series! Stay updated and explore the full collection of chapters here:
- Introduction: How To Overcome Difficult Times In Life: Tips, Strategies, And Personal Advice
- Part 1: How to Use Journaling to Clear Your Mind and Boost Emotional Well-Being
- Part 2: How a 30-60 Minute Walk in Nature Can Enhance Your Mental and Physical Health
- Part 3: How to Practice Positive Self-Talk for Better Mental Health
- Part 4: How to Set Small Goals and Achievable Tasks for Success
- Part 5: The Power of Self-Love: Proven Practices for Mental Health and Fulfillment
- Part 6: Why Talking to Family and Close Friends is Crucial for Emotional Support
- Part 7: The Benefits of Practicing Meditation: How to Get Started
- Part 8: The Surprising Health Benefits of Cold Showers: Boost Energy, Reduce Stress, and Build Mental Resilience
