In September 2022, as my tax case was almost finalized, I started seeing Thijs (not his real name, to protect his privacy). After almost two beautiful months of seeing each other, he experienced a recurring panic attack disorder and spiraled right into severe depression. Just a few days before, we were overjoyed and excited to see each other after my three weeks away on a business trip. We even marked every single day and filled up our calendars with all the plans up until Christmas.
Returning to Amsterdam, my heart bore a heavy burden of concern for him and his well-being. It seemed as though, in the blink of an eye, our world had shifted dramatically—from the warmth of our love and constant communication to complete silence and profound emptiness. The overwhelming worry and the gnawing uncertainty of his well-being drove me to plead for a face-to-face meeting, as the torment of not knowing consumed me.
The moment I finally laid eyes on him, it was as if his very soul had fled his body. Despite his physical appearance remaining unchanged, I immediately sensed that the essence of “my person” had vanished.It was an inexplicable and surreal sensation, one I struggled to articulate. His eyes, once vibrant with life, now seemed hollow and vacant, stripped of any trace of emotion or vitality.
He seemed to summon all his strength to utter his words. His message was deeply touching, yet his face and body remained emotionless. He confessed to feeling nothing, even as he acknowledged the feelings we once shared, now vanished. He didn’t want me to wait for him, as that would only add pressure for him to improve, uncertain of when or how he might feel better. In the end, our relationship lasted merely two months, despite the intensity of our feelings. We simply lacked the foundation to weather challenges together. He expressed a desire to focus on working on himself, and so we bid our final goodbye. Then, he proceeded to cease all communication and block me on every social platform. My heart shattered into a million pieces, leaving me with countless unanswered questions swirling in my mind.
In my family and circle of close friends, I had never encountered anyone who struggled with depression and panic and anxiety attacks before, leaving me completely unaware of its impact and implications. This knowledge gap left a significant void in my heart and mind, prompting me to seek answers. So I started diving into many books, podcasts, and YouTube videos about all types of mental illnesses. With each resource I consumed, I gained deeper insights into what he was experiencing. Every night, I prayed for his recovery, hoping that my whispered prayers would somehow reach him.
In my quest for answers, I came across a Vietnamese Buddhist monk – Minh Niem who had personally battled depression for years and had since become renowned for healing others afflicted with the same condition. Learning about his journey and absorbing his wisdom, I developed a profound respect for him and his work. He frequently discussed meditation as a fundamental aspect of his daily practice, emphasizing its role in healing. This undoubtedly sparked a positive curiosity within me for the first time in my life about meditation.
In the meanwhile, as it had always been, life took me on a surprising and fascinating detour into a new world filled with fantasies, wonders, and mysteries—past life regression and hypnotherapy. I read every book I could find on those subjects, feeling as excited as a kid in a candy store. My curiosity about hypnotherapy became so strong, to the point that I was willing to invest almost €300 per session to see Ralf, a good hypnotherapist in Amsterdam. (Hehehe) I was so intrigued by how he would hypnotize me—would it happen instantly, as depicted on TV? Would I experience glimpses of my past lives, akin to the stories in the books I had read? Would my little crazy head surprise me with something I didn’t know before?
Well, the answer is……!
No, I didn’t fall asleep instantly or lose consciousness completely as you often see on TV, nor did I experience any flashbacks of past lives. However, something else entirely unexpected occurred. For the first time in my adult life, I found myself shedding tears in front of a stranger—my hypnotherapist.
In the preceding sessions, I had noticed a tissue box conveniently placed next to my chair. I couldn’t help but chuckle inwardly, thinking, “No way I’ll cry here. Not me! I’m strong, and I can keep it together no matter what!” Honestly, I didn’t even realize that something was bothering or touching me enough to bring me to tears.
But there I was, sobbing uncontrollably for a full fifteen minutes—during my fourth and final session. I had turned to hypnotherapy out of curiosity and a desire to find closure and peace regarding what had transpired between Thijs and me. Surprisingly, I discovered something much deeper—a neglected part of myself: my emotions. I had always believed I had a strong connection with my emotions, but it became apparent that I had been quite harsh towards them. Whenever faced with significant hardships, I allowed myself to feel sadness, despair, and heartbreak, but only for a limited time. I imposed stringent deadlines on myself to move on—ranging from one to four weeks depending on the severity of the situation. Once the deadline passed, I would attempt to suppress and discard any lingering emotions.
Thanks to Ralf, I learned that often the greatest act of self-love is simply being present with my feelings, free from judgment, the pressure of finding a solution, or imposing deadlines. The experience brought about a subtle yet profound change within me. If I were to describe the sensation, it was as though a long-shuttered gate of emotions had suddenly swung open, granting me the freedom to explore and experience whatever I desired. Since that session, my heart has felt remarkably open, and I’ve found myself more in tune with my emotions than ever before. Now, watching or reading something often brings tears effortlessly—an experience that, while commonplace for some, was unimaginable to me and had never occurred before.
I’ve also discovered a broader reality beyond our ordinary perception and understanding—a realm known as “Quantum Physics”. Little did I know that Ralf’s guidance and insights unknowingly laid the groundwork and planted a crucial seed in my mind, foreshadowing something extraordinary to unfold later on.
** This chapter is part of a TEN-chapter series— don’t miss any part of the story! Stay updated and read more chapters from this series here:
- Part 1: What the Heck is Meditation? Definitely Not for Me!
- Part 2: Attempts to Convert Me into a Believer—The Universe?! Good Luck with That!
- Part 3: God, Allah, Buddha, and the Universe—Help Me! I Beg for Mercy!
- Part 4: The Planted Seeds
- Part 5: My Surrender Experiment
- Part 6: Are These Signs from the Universe?
- Part 7: The Epiphanies
- Part 8: How Meditation Changed Me and My Life
- Part 9: The Most Phenomenal and Bizarre Experience of My Life
- Part 10 (Final): The Power of Going Within
