PART 1: THAT FATEFUL DAY
Just like that, I diligently meditated every day for 30 minutes. It gradually became my therapy and my safe place to retreat to, alongside journaling. My life at that point consisted of only a few simple things—gym, meditation, writing my book, working and checking on my team for 1-2 hours, reading books/listening to podcasts, and indulging in investment opportunities as a hobby in my free time.
Until that fateful day of Saturday, April 15, 2023.
That day marked my 20th anniversary of living in The Netherlands. To celebrate, I joined a day trip with my good friend Thao and her family to Deventer and Apeldoorn. It was a chance to escape Amsterdam, explore something new, and remind myself that there’s more to the Netherlands than just Amsterdam :D. Thao and I arrived in the country on the same day, stayed in the same student housing, and shared countless memories together. Every year when April rolls around, we congratulate each other on living and thriving for another year, and 2023 was no exception. In fact, it was celebrated with even more grandeur. Twenty years was such a great and significant milestone. For us, it was not only 20 years living in The Netherlands but also 20 years of friendship, and more than half of our lives spent there.
After a fulfilling day exploring all the beautiful spots in those cities and indulging ourselves with good food, I returned home and settled into my familiar routine of reading, anticipating a quick drift into sleep. However, to my surprise, both my mind and body remained highly alert, signaling that sleep wouldn’t come easily. Surprisingly, the idea of meditation popped into my head, despite never having practiced it at this time of day before. Typically, my meditation sessions occurred in the early morning or around lunchtime. Then, I recalled a YouTube video I had stumbled upon several times a few weeks prior. Its title intrigued me: “Connect to HIGHER SELF Guided Meditation | Hypnosis for Meeting your Higher Self.” Although I hadn’t watched it or tried anything similar before, I was very curious. All of my mediation experiences up until then were rather “vanilla” and straightforward—simply quieting my mind and sinking into a deep mental state. With plenty of time on my hands that night, I decided to give it a spontaneous try, purely for the sake of curiosity and without any expectations.
*** Be warned: This is a true story ***
Pooffffffff!
Suddenly, I found myself transported back to the 18th century, stepping into the grand halls of a beautiful French-style castle. It was a bizarre experience, as I had never studied or read about this era, yet I knew instinctively where I was. It was as if I was watching a movie, able to observe everything and everyone around me, and even comment silently in my head. There, beside me, stood Thijs—remember him? We dated, and he fell into depression. We both appeared different, dressed in 18th-century attire. I had long, beautiful brown hair and wore an elegant gown, and to my surprise, I was not Asian but rather Caucasian. Thijs, on the other hand, looked dashing in his black tuxedo.
I remember telling myself, “Damn, I look stunning and wealthy, even in this ancient era! What have I done right in all these lifetimes?”
Meanwhile, question after question popped up inside my head— “Why is Thijs here inside my meditation? What was he doing in the 18th century with me? How did I know with certainty that this was the 18th century? Have I ever been here before? Was this my past life?”
My mind raced to make sense of everything as I was instructed to proceed past the expansive living hall I now found myself in, heading towards its far end. Before me stood a door, and I was urged to open it and step inside the room. Without a moment of hesitation, I obeyed, even as my head swirled with more questions: “Where am I headed? What is this room for?”
As I stepped into the room, my eyes fell upon a stunning, ornate white wooden round table, flanked by two fancy chairs reminiscent of the 18th century. I pulled out one of the chairs and settled into it, feeling a mix of excitement and nervousness about what would happen next.
As I settled into my seat, the voice from the YouTube guide whispered that the vacant chair was meant for my Higher Self, and that today, I would finally meet them. I paused for a moment, contemplating how my Higher Self might manifest—would they appear as male or female, young or old, or perhaps something entirely unexpected? As I understood from the hypnotic videos and books I had watched and read before the Higher Self could assume various shapes, sizes, and forms, unique to each individual. Sometimes they could be an inanimate object like a toy, a table, or a stone; other times, they might manifest as an animal, a celebrity, or even a fictional character like Batman, Spiderman, or Mickey Mouse.
After waiting for a few moments in anticipation, I realized that nothing was happening. Glancing around the room, I comforted myself with the thought that it would be all right if my “Higher Self” didn’t make an appearance. This was my first venture into this spiritual realm, and I was still a novice in these matters. Perhaps, with more practice and experience, I would eventually have the opportunity to encounter my Higher Self.
Poof!
With a sudden burst, it felt as though she descended from the heavens and settled gracefully into the chair opposite me. She looked absolutely stunning, with long, wavy hair cascading elegantly to one side, and big, round, and exuded eyes. The moment I saw her, I felt a deep sense of familiarity, as if we had met before, though I couldn’t recall where or how. I found myself instantly drawn to her, mesmerized by her aura of tranquility, warmth, and compassion, even before she uttered a single word or made a single gesture. In her presence, I felt enveloped by a love so pure and unconditional, unlike anything I had ever known before in my life.
I couldn’t tear my gaze away from her, repeating softly, “You’re so beautiful and familiar. It’s like I’ve known you from somewhere!” Over and over, those words escaped my lips as I found myself becoming increasingly enamored with her, despite knowing nothing about her background or identity.
The guided voice encouraged me to ask my Higher Self any questions that I had always wanted to know. To be honest, it all happened so quickly and unexpectedly that I froze for a few seconds and didn’t know what to ask or whether there were any rules on what I was not allowed to ask. As I sat before her, her serene smile filling me with a sense of comfort, I began to think of the questions I wanted to ask her the most.
After a brief moment of contemplation, my first question emerged: “Am I doing all right?”
Her response, brimming with so much love and pride, washed over me like a gentle wave. “You’re doing wonderfully, and I’m so proud of you for everything you’ve gone through and accomplished in your life.”
Upon hearing her response, tears welled up in the corners of my eyes, yet undeterred, I pressed on with my next question: “Is there anything I can do better? Or anything that should have been done differently?”
Her answer was even more heart-warming, full of support and admiration. “You’re doing very well. There is nothing I could ask for more or wish you had done differently. I’m immensely proud of you.”
In her eyes, I was already everything I needed to be, and more. It made me start sobbing even harder. Tears kept streaming down my cheeks freely, and I could feel it started soaking over my hair and pillow.
Even in such an emotional and heartfelt moment, my skeptical, critical, and rational mind still managed to prevail. It wanted to know if she was indeed the “real” deal, and if this experience was truly happening and genuine. So while still in tears, I asked her, “Why am I crying so much? Since I started with meditation, I’ve cried almost every session. Can you please tell me why as I have no clue?”
Of course, I knew the reason too well why I cried during the mediation— it was because I had a lot of suppressed emotions inside. But I just wanted to test her to see if she truly knew me and my life. Her response left me speechless. In that moment, I realized that nobody on this earth could understand me more intimately than her, not even myself.
PART 2: SHE UNDERSTOOD ME “BEYOND” WELL
From the moment she arrived until then, no matter how much my analytical mind screamed for validation and proof, I felt an overwhelming sense of love and happiness in her presence. It’s weird because she didn’t need to say or do anything special; I just felt it, clear as day. And when she finally spoke, my heart just melted.
“It wasn’t easy going through what you did. The obstacles, challenges, and adversities you faced surpassed what most endure. And you’re anything but average, as you’ve known it your entire life. For someone else to experience what you went through, might have been too much. Yet, here you are—stronger, still positive, and accomplished.
You cried not only from the weight of suppressed emotions but also from the loneliness of fighting alone in the darkness, where no one could see or understand your struggles, not even your family. Everyone saw your success and your shining light, but nobody saw the countless times you failed, felt defeated, and utterly hopeless.”
She continued, her sympathy and understanding shining through with every word she spoke.
“But all your suffering is necessary, my love! You aren’t average, so your suffering can’t be either. You’ve got a bigger mission in life to accomplish!”
As she lightly touched my forehead, memories since my birth flooded forth like a rapid-fire video reel. I saw her. She was always with me—watching me grow, witnessing every moment, including those struggles in the dark she mentioned earlier. In an instant, I recognized the “Little Voice” in her.
She then pulled me into a warm embrace, gently tucking a strand of hair behind my ear as I trembled with sobs. In that moment, I felt profoundly validated, understood, and deeply moved. It was the first time in my life that someone had seen into every corner of my being, understanding the depths of my heart and soul. Her acknowledgment and recognition of my hard work and resilience touched me to the core. My tears flowed even more.
Through teary eyes, I pleaded, “I don’t even know what to do next, what my purpose in life is. Can you please tell me? I’ve searched tirelessly but found nothing!”
Her smile beamed with warmth, her laughter contagious as she sensed my impatience. “It will come, I promise,” she assured me with confidence. “For now, focus on finishing your book. Once it’s done, opportunities will lead you down the path you’re meant to follow. Remember, it’s not always a straight line, so stay open to whatever comes your way. Complete your book first, and everything else will fall into place.”
Despite already being in a deep meditative state, with my body feeling weightless and floating above my bed, I had to resist the urge to let my own thoughts and analytical mind distract me. I feared that if I allowed myself to stray, I wouldn’t be able to find my way back, and all I longed for was this beautiful moment to last forever.
A brief silence lingered between us, our eyes locked in a shared moment, and our smiles seemed to never fade. Nevertheless, I hesitated, uncertain whether to voice my final question, fearing it might portray desperation. She seemed to sense my hesitation, nodding her head gently as she encouraged me to speak.
I murmured, “Hmmmm……hmmmm……”
She patiently allowed me to take my time and gather my courage. Her smile remained, so warm and bright, that I felt safe and comfortable enough to let my innermost thoughts surface. Finally, I muttered,
“Am I destined to be alone forever, solely focused on serving this ‘bigger purpose’ life has for me? Will I ever find the love of my life, my future husband?
I’ve been on plenty of dates in the past 6 years. I have no trouble getting dates, and you can see that I’m not bad-looking… I just want to know why.”
I tried to hint that I had plenty of options and wasn’t desperate, but I think I failed miserably. I’m also absolutely certain that my face turned as red as a tomato once I blurted out that question.
She took both of my hands and held them gently in hers as she continued, “Just be patient. He will come, I promise. And when he does, you’ll understand why it never worked out with anyone else before. He’ll be everything you’ve ever wished for in a man, ticking “every box in your list”. And don’t worry, all the difficult and challenging chapters of your life are behind you now. Your tax case was the last one. From now on, I only see great and positive things happening in your life.”
I kept rehearsing what she said in my head because I didn’t want to forget those affirmations once I emerged from my meditation. There had been an overflow of information and emotions, and I didn’t want that positivity to be lost, forgotten, or dismissed later by my skeptical mind.
It felt like a lot of time had passed already when I heard the guided voice informing me that our time was up and it was time to say goodbye. We hugged tightly again, and I didn’t want to let her go. Tears streamed down my face like never before.
As I gazed into her eyes, overwhelmed with emotion and the heavy weight of the goodbye moment, I couldn’t help but feel the gravity of our parting. Tonight’s events had unfolded in ways I could never have anticipated, truly surpassing all expectations. Now, I was left to wonder when, where, how, and if I might ever see her again in my lifetime. Even if fate brought us together once more, would she still look and feel the same? How could I ever be certain it was truly her?
We continued to exchange kisses on each other’s cheeks and hair as we hugged tightly. She reassured me that whenever I needed her most, or simply wished to see her, I would find the way and meet her again. Then, she dropped a little bombshell that made me giggle—a testament to how well she knew and understood me. “But I know if you don’t hit rock bottom, you will never come and look for me.” After a brief pause, she continued, “I’m always with you, watching over you, and loving you. Whenever you need me, come and find me, my little sassy. You’ll navigate your way, just as you always have in your life.”
As I bid farewell and left the room, retracing my steps back to where I started, I found myself in the spacious living room once more. There, I saw myself and Thijs standing together, waving goodbye. Though I couldn’t fully grasp the significance of the moment at that instant, it dawned on me with sudden clarity that we shared a past life together. This realization explained the instant connection and rapport we felt upon meeting—it was as though we had known each other for ages. Our intertwined paths, marked by events, left me feeling we came to each other’s life for a reason, not a coincidence. It seemed we were indebted to each other in ways I couldn’t fully articulate. For me, Thijs served as a catalyst for my profound personal transformation. Without his influence, I would never have embarked on my spiritual journey or savored the magic of this moment, nor completed my book within such a remarkable timeframe.
Thijs did reach out to me about a year later once he had fully healed. He sounded so cheerful, happy, and radiant, just like the person I once knew. I sent him a copy of my book as promised, and he loved it—saying it was the first book he had ever read and finished within two days. As for me, the romantic connection between us had long faded, and the karmic debt that once burdened our souls had been settled. I was happy to give us a proper closure and leave that part of my life behind.
As I looked back one final time, bidding farewell to the 18th-century French-style castle, I returned from my meditation. Tears had drenched my pillow and blanket, but a wide, genuine smile adorned my face. Never before had I felt such profound happiness and peace. I’m not one to exaggerate, and I’ve never used the word “phenomenal” to describe any event in my life, but this experience was truly phenomenal.
I remained in bed, filled with joy, love, and happiness. It was a surreal experience, and I couldn’t shake the feeling of disbelief. Part of me wanted to wake up immediately and document everything in my journal to ensure I wouldn’t forget a single detail—a concrete record of this extraordinary encounter. However, the moment was too precious to disturb. I lingered in bed, reliving the experience in my mind, repeating to myself, “This is the most phenomenal event that has ever happened to me! I can hardly believe it!“
For the following week, I lived in a heightened state of consciousness, straddling the line between dream and reality. Each night, as I closed my eyes, I was transported into a world where I soared high above, observing scenes from my childhood. In particular, I vividly recalled moments from the age of two to five, watching a younger version of myself learning to use chopsticks, laughing, giggling, and enjoying family dinners. These memories flooded back with remarkable clarity, bringing a sense of cheerfulness and nostalgia.
PART 3: WHO IS SHE?
As I woke up the next day, my heart still brimming with joy and love, I couldn’t shake the feeling that I had encountered my “Higher Self” before. The image of her wavy, braided hair lingered in my mind.
I called my Mom first to share my experience, and as we continued talking, a memory resurfaced. Suddenly, I recalled where I had seen her before. From a very young age until I was 15, I immersed myself in drawing and painting. At one point, I even aspired to attend Arts school. Throughout those years, I frequently depicted a beautiful girl with long, wavy hair braided to one side. As I described her, my mom and siblings all remembered her from my paintings. It was astonishing to realize that I had unwittingly been painting my “Higher Self” throughout my childhood and teenage years.
What’s even more surreal is that I had already encountered my “Higher Self” before, during my last hypnotherapy session with Ralf. Initially, I didn’t connect the two together because, in the first instance, my Higher Self didn’t have a defined shape, form, look, or gender. So, I associated them with a different name inside my head. However, once the high emotions were finally settled, I started recalling the similarities between them and realizing that they were actually the same entity. They both communicated with me through telepathy—meaning we just understood each other’s thoughts and emotions without the need for spoken words. Whenever they wanted me to relive exact past events, they lightly touched my forehead, and those events would unfold before me like scenes from a movie. Most importantly, whenever they appeared, I was immediately enveloped by boundless, unconditional love, surpassing even that of my parents. Their love and understanding melted away the barriers of my rational mind, stubbornness, and tough exterior, allowing me to sob freely like a child. They healed my emotional wounds and helped me open my heart once again.
This revelation was validated thanks to a valuable lesson Ralf had taught me about spiritual guidance. To put it succinctly, he reminded me to scrutinize anything claiming to be my “Higher Self”. Many pretenders come with hidden agendas, seeking something from us. For instance, our greed can deceive us into justifying unethical actions, like evading taxes from a foreign company, under the guise of preserving our hard-earned money. However, our true “Higher Self” operates without ulterior motives, offering unconditional love and care for our well-being. They never come with threats, harmful suggestions, or coercion.
Realizing that I had encountered my “Higher Self” twice filled my heart with such peace, knowing that if I ever wanted to see them again, I could undoubtedly do so. And she was right! Just a few months later, I crossed paths with my boyfriend, who seemed to have stepped out of the description list I had penned about him. It was almost surreal when I handed him the printed list after a month of dating; his astonishment was palpable. What’s even more astonishing, our love story unfolded precisely where I had envisioned—Loveland Festival, Amsterdam. Don’t ask me why; it just happened when I jotted down those details. Ever since, my boyfriend has lit up my life in ways I had never imagined, bringing an abundance of love, joy, and laughter. His patience and affection make me slowly lower my guard, allowing the very beautiful, very soft, very sweet, very innocent, and very playful part of me to resurface after being long forgotten.
** This chapter is part of a TEN-chapter series— don’t miss any part of the story! Stay updated and read more chapters from this series here:
- Part 1: What the Heck is Meditation? Definitely Not for Me!
- Part 2: Attempts to Convert Me into a Believer—The Universe?! Good Luck with That!
- Part 3: God, Allah, Buddha, and the Universe—Help Me! I Beg for Mercy!
- Part 4: The Planted Seeds
- Part 5: My Surrender Experiment
- Part 6: Are These Signs from the Universe?
- Part 7: The Epiphanies
- Part 8: How Meditation Changed Me and My Life
- Part 9: The Most Phenomenal and Bizarre Experience of My Life
- Part 10 (Final): The Power of Going Within
